Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

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July’s Gift.

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There is a simplicity in happiness. It’s a form of contentment that holds no expectations. It is the kiss from a lover, a brush from a cat, a lick of a dog or the harmony of a song that strums with the energies of your heart. It comes unexpectedly – sometimes its meeting brief, sometimes it lasts much longer. But you know somehow, you know when it makes an entrance and then you start to smile. It isn’t always a wide toothed smile, neither is it one that has to invoke laughter. It is as simple as its meaning yet secretive in its many mysterious ways. A smile often holds a secret – sometimes shared, sometimes merely yours, or it could in fact be in plain sight, just unconsciously aware.

Today it is here. After a night of torrid emotions and a morning of strange erratic dreams. A smile ever so simple, so tiny – it stays almost buried.

Today i am happy. Today I am content. And today I feel blessed.

It’s hard to say why. Or to explain the mechanics of this moment but it hit me so fast, yet so tender in its embrace. A moment of rocking on the carpet, the light whiff of patchouli and the familiar smells of home, the whirring of the ceiling fan, the sounds of my Spotify and the soft trickling of my little aquarium friends, and my four furry monsters, each trying to climb on my lap. They all merged swiftly together in a reminder of what I am and where I am, and then I smiled. A smile so vague, it would seem almost melancholic – even to me.

Strange.

For a moment I wondered to myself. Was it indeed a sad smile? A smile of accepted resignation perhaps? Then i closed my eyes and a bubble of quiet laughter escaped my lips in the millisecond it took for my fluffy Pomeranian to jump at my lips. It is in truth the smile of simple contentment and like the gentle lapping of waves against the shore, it brings with it the simplistic joy and happiness that many often assume unattainable.

Today I am happy.

Today I am content.

And truth be told, there is no secret. Happiness really is as simple as it seems.

posted by BabyGin in Australia,confessions,happy,personal,pics,reminders,travel,travelogue,wordy and have No Comments

Of Lost Friendships and Lingering Memories

(1.15am edit: On  a whim, I suddenly felt like rereading this post and discovered that I’ve written some parts wrongly – eg. wrong word, strange grammar, etc. and so have decided to edit it. If you reread it too, that’s why it seems a little bit different. If you’re reading it for the first time, I’m sorry if my writing seems a bit off, I’m a little out of practice lately)

It’s been a long time since I was last in this space. Months forgotten, almost like that of the title of this post. But this blog will always be a part of me, and in its depths the memories that sometimes often continue to haunt me.

Like today.

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The familiar beatings of an uneasy heart, a pain that takes over your entire soul. A pain that I am all too familiar with, only today, it is directed at someone else. Not just one, but a number of people that I had once entrusted my entire being in, believing that these are the people that would always be here – never for no worthy reason, ever leaving my side. It’s almost like a delusional description of ownership but that really isn’t the case at all. It is a trust and bond so deep, it exceeds the fleeting moments of casual friendships and momentary happiness.

A bond between two people that is not of lovers, yet intertwined in such a way that it is often close, if not deceptively misleading. Yet what I often fail to realize is how my dependency on them was sometimes completely neurotic and one sided, a lie of sorts that this feeling was built on a solid mutual bond.

In these friendships, I often gave my all, though appearing to be holding a stance of cold frigidness that people often could not break through. There are no signs of my dependency, one could almost never tell. It was just the way that I was built; reserved and uninviting. But I knew my weakness, and what these friendships really meant to me, even if no one else could really see it.

These were the kind of friendships I felt as if I were almost in a romantic relationship with. Silent conversations, and yet the comfort a presence could bring. Those random bursts of colourful conversations, and the belief that judgement was not something reserved but freely released.

As time passed on, so did these people. They came in and then out of my life in unexpected ways, often with words like “people change” or “people drift apart” and then I am left standing alone on the sidewalk, silently weeping and clinging on like a lost child left helplessly crying in a busy marketplace. Some of these people disappear without a trace, they leave silently without even once looking back and each time they do, like an ex lover, they take away a piece of my heart, a little fragment that I had so foolishly given them. Some however, continue to linger on. They appear once in a blue moon and occasionally drift by, as if I were easily replaceable and merely a childish pastime. But just like before, my heart is not spared, instead, it often scars deeper.

Do not be mistaken.

There is no feelings of regret. There is no ill wishing.

But what there is left in its stead, is always a gaping hole that never seems to heal itself. It isn’t the pain of lost love, but sometimes I think my heart confuses it with such and so it comes treacherously close. The scar of a forgotten friendship; a painful emptiness filled with memories and once a trust so deep, it just never learns to fully let go.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,wordy and have No Comments

My Swaying Heart.

People often tell me that I’m cold. So cold, they often wondered if I was really who they thought I was.

But many do not realize that I was molded to become that way, to solidify my fortress in order to protect myself and those around me. For it is people and their constant greed, lies and betrayal that made me this way.

It’s strange, because I am lucky.

I am lucky to always be surrounded by an infinite warmth and love with little malice and insincere intentions. And yet, being the introvert I am, just watching others has a profound effect on me that scars me even when it is not of my world or within the realms of my consciousness. And as such I chose to harden my heart, to block out empathy and to feel indifferent to many things all around me.

But lately my heart is swaying.

It bleeds so much that I often feel like shutting my eyes and locking myself in my room away from the sights, news and rumours that go around, leaving lingering images and voices in my head.

Everything makes me cry now. It makes my heart thump in that loud dull manner, that feels like its going to come out of my mouth in the most gruesome way ever. A gagging kind of sensation and a coldness that sends chills through my body in waves that makes me weak.

It used to only be boyfriends and animals.

But everything hurts now.

Watching that frail old man walk from table to table with his heavy bottle of honey. Eyes soft and welcoming but streaked with tired lines of poverty and rejection. It’s been months since you came to my table. And till this day the guilt still shakes me up in ways I could never have imagined. I wished I had bought a bottle, but when I went back and drove around, you were nowhere to be found.

Seeing the tired look of the cleaners ride up and down the lifts of my university hurts me. I hear people whisper in annoyance at how these cleaners are dirty and should not be taking the lifts, especially for floors that go only one level. But they are old and tired, and they sometimes walk in a lopsided manner, yet rarely a smile or thank you from the people they pick up after. Perhaps you, in your youth and entitlement should take the stairs up with the bountiful energy you often conserve for the day and nights of social pleasures instead.

That man sitting alone staring down at his plate. I am watching him and I see how lonely he is and the tired redness of his eyes. Just watching him from afar, and his emotions reach me in tremours that make it hard for me to eat.

And I hate this feeling. I hate how sensitive I have become, how even sitting in the car as I wait for someone fill petrol into their car can send me into a bubble of discomforting silence from the people that come in and out. Merely staring out the window of my car seat becomes a war of emotions and feelings.

What is this?

It is not anger I feel.

Just pain and sadness that renders me into a state of frenzied confusion.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,personal,sad,tragedies,wordy and have No Comments

Hi. Its the end of 2013.

In the years that have passed I’ve learnt to fall out of love with many things.

One of which had to be writing.

And another reading.

I no longer wanted to fill my time doing things I used to love. All I wanted to do was find time to be alone and just hibernate without having to do anything.

Many people attributed this to my boyfriend.

But the fact is, he had nothing to do with it.

I was tired. So very tired both mentally and physically for a myriad of reasons. The worst being the ordeal of having to go through my degree. I hate school. I hate studying. This has been the same since I was a kid.

The first week of kindergarden had me screaming and crying on the floor for days. I begged to be left at home. And every year, i felt no excitement at the prospect of starting a new school year.

In fact, the rest of my school life was filled with me making myself sick or literally getting sick because of how much I hated having to coop myself up in a room and listen to things I could learn in 10 minutes get dragged on for an hour. How I was not allowed to pace my own work and forced to do things at a slower rate or in a ridiculous timeline that had no proper spacing at all.

None of this changed.

But what kept me very much alive throughout these many years are the wonderful people I always seemingly seem to meet in my life, many of whom have walked alongside me for as long as I can remember. I’m one of those lucky kids that still has her best friends from kindergarden and primary school.

I don’t know where this post is going or what this post was for.

But i told myself in bed just now as I tried to go to sleep that its time to pick up on things that I had left behind. I want to paint, read, bake, write and do the many things I used to so adore. And I want to them all because I know these are the things that truly make me happy. Things that do not involve competition with another, or taking things from another or making another person feel smaller than they are. Things that many people expect me to do and be.

I’m sorry that you feel that I’m wasting my talents and time.

But I just want to be happy.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,personal,random,wordy and have No Comments

3 August 2013. Thoughts of 1.49am.

It’s easy to lie.

Its easy to lie to someone else and pretend that everything is fine.

Until you realise that you’ve lied so much, you’ve become the lie.

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I’ve been staring at this space on the wall, and then at my phone and then back at the wall. I’ve been doing this for over an hour and a half now and each time i stare at the digits on my phone, i hurt a little bit more.

The numbers move slowly, so slowly in fact that it feels almost like it isn’t moving at all.

And then suddenly an hour passes and the pain you’ve felt earlier has swelled up so much that you’re almost gagging; unable to breath or speak, or even close your eyes and hope to fall asleep.

I’ve lost a lot of things on the path to what I believed was what I wanted.

But they never made themselves known, at least not until i lapsed into these momentary cries of a crazed enemy.

And then i can only laugh and blame myself for what I have become and what I will continue to become.

Because really, what did I even know before?

Did i know what I want?

Did i forsee what would have happened or did I just play pretend.

In the end.

I lie here in my despair, alone and shivering.

And I blame no one, but laugh at the cruelty of my own joke and my belief of my own self worth.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,nightmares,personal,sad,stupidity,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments