Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

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Dated: 12th August 2012 – Remembrance

–  Time: 1.03 a.m. –

It’s more than just a coincidence; the same old songs and that blurred streaks of dim lights.

They act like a switch, a trigger of forgotten selves that years of masking have somehow buried beneath a rubble of more recent personas.

Like a sudden shock to the system, these characters meet and challenge one another in a confrontation of silent questionings. And then i lose myself once more. My bearings misplaced and misaligned; i lapse into nothingness but a mere fragment of frozen time, stranded in a world that chooses to whizz it’s way by.

I see that hidden frail white silhouette illuminated in a corner, wrapped in nothing but the glow of the moon against a smooth porcelain figurine.

I am her.

She is me.

I watch as she trembles in the cold, her knees pressed against her forehead as tears run down the side of her cheeks.

I smile.

She doesn’t see me.

My heart flutters, and my smile falters.

Time drags it’s way along, a deafening silence streaks through the thick musky air of this forgotten room. The room is bare. There is nothing but it’s plaster walls and concrete floors.

I am her.

And she is me.

But she can’t see me.

And I begin to lose sight of her.

I close my eyes.

It’s me.

It’s always been me.

But who am I?

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,pre-written,sad,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Dated: 11 November 2011 @ That Little Room That Leaks – Hotel Rooms

-7.40p.m-

Hotel rooms.

I crave them much too often than I should.

And more often than not, I wished I could just check myself in and hide there for a while.

Alone.

But then I wonder, why pay so much money to sink into an unfamiliar bed just to cry myself to sleep?

Fact is, I don’t know.

All I know is, that’s what I wish I could do if I could really afford it.

Hotel rooms.

If they could talk, they would tell you so many different stories. That chair in that corner would have so much to say and those pillows would have a million emotions to share.

What was the previous guest like?

Was he alone? Was he lonely?

Or was he with someone? Someone special or just someone?

What were the thoughts running in every guests head?

Was the previous guest just like me?

Or was he was genuinely happy.

What secrets would the cracking walls whisper and what moving images would the mirrors reflect?

So much goes on.

All that history in the dimly lit rooms I crave.

Even mine becomes a part of that room whos number I will not remember.

Hotel rooms.

I need you more than ever.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,cravings,emo,musings,personal,pre-written,sad,wordy and have No Comments

Dated: 2 November 2011 @ The Little Room that Leaks – 2 Years

It’s crazy how things can happen and change. How the reality of things really show itself in life defining moments such as just now.

“Acceptance”

That’s a strong word to use. Too strong a word and much too highly misunderstood.

It was never acceptance. It was called being emotionally numb. A sorrowful forced kind of acceptance that breaks one’s soul and hurts those around.

I thought I was happy. I just never knew it was at the expense of another in ways I did not wish.

2 years ago I lay in this room, my heart thumping away and my skin tingling in anticipation. I knew what was going to happen. I knew it the moment I sat crying in your arms and I let myself go completely.

Today I am lying in the same room and my heart is thumping as well. Only, this time I’m feeling things you took away that 2 years ago. Only 2 years but sometimes a year can feel so much longer, don’t you agree?

Happy silent 2 years.

It’s time I toughen up.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,pre-written,reminders,sad,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Dated: 24 Sept 2010 – Letters To Juliet

Time: 12.50pm

Its hard not to believe in love, to believe in a feeling that lasts you a lifetime.

On a plane ride I sat crying, buried under the blankets of the gloomiest shades of purple and grey. They were not an expression of sadness but an overwhelming sense of realisation at how much of a sappy romantic baby I really am. And all it took was a movie, a sweet little movie that reminded me of what I had somehow forgotten.

I miss you. Like a flower misses the sunlight on a dark cloudy day.

We grow up and are taught as well as encouraged to learn how to be mature, to learn how to live separate lives instead of a constant need for each other. Reality forces us into that well-rounded understanding relationship in order to survive any storm that may hit yet too often, in the journey of learning to be more adaptive to each other’s more complex lives, we lose something very important; the ability to distinguish the spontaneity of love from the shallow safety and constant reassurance of dependency and responsibility.

Perhaps it is that inner child that speaks so immaturely but a part in that movie made so much sense to me. Or maybe I am just too gullible, believing in that storybook lie of a kind of love that doesn’t completely exist. ” We go on a holiday and we are off doing our own things..but I don’t mind… And I don’t mind either…but that’s just it!…We’re separated doing our own things and we don’t mind…We’re suppose to want to be together, to miss each other…”

A long time ago, it was said that distance would make a couple miss each other and want each other more but these days, the distance works the opposite and I never understood why. How does a love just fade? How do we just forget? Even in our daily lives we often get so caught up in our busy schedules that in that frenzy of everything, we forget. We forget that there is someone very important in our lives just a little sms or phone call away, we forget about the time and no longer notice how long we’ve been apart and most of all, we forget that wrenching discomfort in our hearts knowing that our love isn’t by our side.

Through all this forgetfulness, it really isn’t a wonder as to why distances end up breaking a couple more these days rather than to help it grow as the effort eventually becomes such a chore. Gone are the days of awaiting sweet hand written letters that serve as a reminder of that dull ache in our hearts or the belief of surprising each other with little gestures that appear out of the norm. Are careers and material things really so much more important? Why do we stop trying to remind our other halves of these little things and allow the love to grow stagnant and easily forgotten?

Because these little surprises once in a while becomes memories that will cause that annoying trigger of miss and I kinda like that horrid feeling. That painful grip that makes me cry and pine for my lover to be back at my side. Its a disgusting play of love and hate but it reminds me how much I am still capable of loving that person even when right now we’re miles apart. Perhaps it is only a temporary feeling, a fleeting discomfort and reminder that will eventually disappear. But it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter where it goes or what will happen, what matters is that we remember to live in that present because compared to a million other living things; the trees and the deep sea fishes, we really don’t have all that much time to live or enjoy each other’s love and company.

Right now my heart is doing that uneasy wrestling and it is reminding me of simply this.

I miss you.

And I love you.

And I wish I was right there next to you.

(8.08pm edit : I wish you were here =( you would so love the weather and everything now. Sigh.)

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,cravings,emo,musings,pics,pre-written,wordy and have No Comments

Dated: 23 Nov 09 @ EC Restaurant (Bubble Tea)

When Stars Collide @ 11.30 p.m

someone once asked me what were the chances of us meeting when there were a millions of others in the world around us. so many more out there and yet once again that stupid thing called fate would throw us headlong into each others path. irony does that a lot doesnt it?  how in the beginning we always think nothing much of each other, realising only how important these little chances really are when it’s almost too late, or maybe even when it’s already too late.

how often is it really that we would walk into a person’s life and feel totally at ease. to be able to let go and be who we really are; naked and unshielded, defences totally let down. why are humans so naive? so dumb to the extent that we would even allow ourselves to be placed in such a vulnerable place. is the joy of feeling human emotions really worth the amount of suffering that often comes with it?

being around this particular someone, unknowingly i had forgotten to place up my walls. i became totally transparent, allowing myself to be seen by him without the mask that i have learnt to live with. unconsciously i had invited him into my life, telling the most important people to me about him and even introducing him while openly showing my affections. and all this while it never became apparent to me on why i did what i did or why it happened the way it did.

i didnt mean to hurt you, i never meant to hurt you because right now i wish i could take away all your pain.

“you know same stars clash right?” i said to him.

“when two stars clash, it’s always beautiful” he answered back.

as short as it has been so far, it really was beautiful wasnt it? but just like the real thing, it’s beauty lasted only momentarily and now we’re faced with destruction and the beginning of either a black hole or a new neutron star. the former being the closer instantaneous reaction.

but despite that, i will try with all my heart to claw my way out of that hole and hold on with my dear life to that little glimmer of hope that brought us face to face in the first place.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,musings,personal,pre-written,reminders,tragedies,wordy and have No Comments