Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

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A Secret at はるにれの木

harunire

At any moment in time, there is a feeling of vulnerability that makes itself known.

Sometimes in weakness, sometimes in strength.

A lover’s embrace, littered in tears.

And a silence that wraps itself like a cocoon on each other’s lips.

A moment felt,

A moment made ours,

As the sky turned dark and the shadows came creeping.

I know what I felt, I know that gentle rhythm. The solidification of my emotions, I gave you my all, on that cold November evening.

It had been perfection. A transcendence that far exceeded any form of expectation.

A spell had been cast.

A secret shared.

It was only just us.

And a tree that was.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,events,Japan,personal,pics,reminders,travel,travelogue and have No Comments

Autumn Crossroads

tokyo784

There always comes a time in your perfect little world where cracks start to show and leaks somehow become cascades, eventually causing a succession of erratically confused panic that could only be defined by an incredulously delusional sequence of thoughts and actions.

The world turns topsy turvy…

No.

My world turns topsy turvy.

Contentment and sadness no longer in polarity, they seep into one another and become part of each other. Where does one start and where does one end. The questions beggingly implore my pounding heart, head, and sometimes hand. They say the heart wants what it wants. But what does the heart really want?

The truth can sometimes be glaringly bare.

For the heart wants many things. Too often things that seem unable to meet, leaving a trail of tangled knots and imperfect crossroads. So then what does the heart want? It does not choose its path. It only creates more; almost like a butterfly effect that takes pleasure in sending masses into unknowing chaos.

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Solidarity calls for attention. Yet heartstrings tug back in fearful confusion.

Like the bright red leaves of autumn, love is only a temporary illusion. They fall and what was once seemingly beautiful, find themselves in a forgotten medley of muddy brown, ash like dissolutions. But memory remains, and like the pull of gravity, one yearns for what was. In hopeful eyes, one always yearns for what was.

It’s a lie.

Everything is a lie.

The past will always hold you back.

And sometimes, that past is of a future hope instead.

Or simply, a fear of losing something precious in your life.

“Hold me in your arms, and tell me everything’s going to be all right.”

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,pics,sad,travelogue,wordy and have No Comments

July’s Gift.

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There is a simplicity in happiness. It’s a form of contentment that holds no expectations. It is the kiss from a lover, a brush from a cat, a lick of a dog or the harmony of a song that strums with the energies of your heart. It comes unexpectedly – sometimes its meeting brief, sometimes it lasts much longer. But you know somehow, you know when it makes an entrance and then you start to smile. It isn’t always a wide toothed smile, neither is it one that has to invoke laughter. It is as simple as its meaning yet secretive in its many mysterious ways. A smile often holds a secret – sometimes shared, sometimes merely yours, or it could in fact be in plain sight, just unconsciously aware.

Today it is here. After a night of torrid emotions and a morning of strange erratic dreams. A smile ever so simple, so tiny – it stays almost buried.

Today i am happy. Today I am content. And today I feel blessed.

It’s hard to say why. Or to explain the mechanics of this moment but it hit me so fast, yet so tender in its embrace. A moment of rocking on the carpet, the light whiff of patchouli and the familiar smells of home, the whirring of the ceiling fan, the sounds of my Spotify and the soft trickling of my little aquarium friends, and my four furry monsters, each trying to climb on my lap. They all merged swiftly together in a reminder of what I am and where I am, and then I smiled. A smile so vague, it would seem almost melancholic – even to me.

Strange.

For a moment I wondered to myself. Was it indeed a sad smile? A smile of accepted resignation perhaps? Then i closed my eyes and a bubble of quiet laughter escaped my lips in the millisecond it took for my fluffy Pomeranian to jump at my lips. It is in truth the smile of simple contentment and like the gentle lapping of waves against the shore, it brings with it the simplistic joy and happiness that many often assume unattainable.

Today I am happy.

Today I am content.

And truth be told, there is no secret. Happiness really is as simple as it seems.

posted by BabyGin in Australia,confessions,happy,personal,pics,reminders,travel,travelogue,wordy and have No Comments

Horizon

 Silence.

Confusion.

A frenzy of disheveled hair and lost eyes.

The union of unexpected couples in vows and the separation of even more unexpected couples in heartbreaks.

I bore witness to several of these instances the past couple of months and in the process placed myself in alternating moods of bitter dissonance and happy contentment.

Now i am unsure of where I stand; eyes burning, heart thumping, my voice coarse and unwelcoming.

For so many years, over a decade to be precise. I never really learnt how to separate my emotions and single out the truth that so many have often questions. How do people so easily decide on an option, to just throw years of comfort away into the shadows or to take that leap into a more hopeful future of even more promises?

“Never make a decision in anger,” people often say.

But anger makes you braver doesn’t it?

And all it takes is that few seconds of stupid courage to propel you further.

So which way is the right way?

Or more precise, which way is the real way?

What is it….

What is it that I want…

And what is it that waits for me beyond that line in the horizon.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,musings,personal,pics,reminders,travel,travelogue,United Kingdom,wordy and have No Comments

Miss.

No words needed.

Perth, September 2010.

posted by BabyGin in Australia,confessions,cravings,personal,pics,travel,travelogue and have Comments (2)