Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

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The King Says…

I AM YOUR FATHHAAAA……

Now bow before me PEASANTS!

posted by BabyGin in animals,cats,family,pics,random and have No Comments

Illusory

Days go by as if reality itself was nothing more than an illusion. Days hold no significance, it’s just a game of chasing time for no apparent reason.

The heart stops beating.

Days of carefree smiles and fearless games lace themselves repeatedly in my dreams. I was innocent once; innocent and indescribably happy.

Trees, bicycles, a dalmation, swings and a jungle gym were my best friends. Falls and scraped knees meant nothing then. I see it all — the roads, the paths and the green grass i spent hours each day exploring. I didn’t need anybody, walking along on my own, I loved each day despite everything else around that was going on.

Love was overflowing. Everyone deserved my smile. My tears were reserved for the mourning of dead hamsters and not being allowed to let my dog sleep in the house. They were not meant to spill for anybody else, not the way they dominate my eyes now.

I was a quiet child. I was the child that hid behind familiar faces and kept her mouth shut. I ran to corners and sat on my own, staring and watching as i whispered to any available animal i could get my hands on.

Still, I had been a happy child. I didn’t need anyone but myself.

Do you know me?

Do you know me at all?

Can you see how the sparkle in my eyes rely so much on you now. How everything else I have left in fear of being judged by you as someone unworthy of your smile.

You don’t notice me disappear.

You don’t see the signs.

How could you?

You never really knew me.

I want to run. I want to flee. I want my pain to stop.

For the only one who can return my sparkle will not give it to me.

And I sit despondently in my corner, bemused by own trapped stupidity.

When did anyone become more important than myself?

So much that I would become mute, weak and unsure.

I see the signs in the mirror now. My smile is awkward and lopsided. My skin is pale and uneven. My eyes squint and blink in confusion. My hair has lost it’s glossy shine, and my signature confidence, it’s gone. It’s gone and I don’t know where it’s gone.

There is only so much of an illusion of hope each day brings.

Sometimes it grows, but many times lately it becomes little but obsolete.

Tonight.

Tonight I let my heart break as i disappoint that little girl who smiles upside down at me on the jungle gym who knows the world had been perfectly within reach. The girl who had almost everything but gave it all away to sit at home each day and wait.

To wait for that little ray of sunshine at the end of that tunnel.

That I can barely even see.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,pics,reminders,sad,stupidity,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Horizon

 Silence.

Confusion.

A frenzy of disheveled hair and lost eyes.

The union of unexpected couples in vows and the separation of even more unexpected couples in heartbreaks.

I bore witness to several of these instances the past couple of months and in the process placed myself in alternating moods of bitter dissonance and happy contentment.

Now i am unsure of where I stand; eyes burning, heart thumping, my voice coarse and unwelcoming.

For so many years, over a decade to be precise. I never really learnt how to separate my emotions and single out the truth that so many have often questions. How do people so easily decide on an option, to just throw years of comfort away into the shadows or to take that leap into a more hopeful future of even more promises?

“Never make a decision in anger,” people often say.

But anger makes you braver doesn’t it?

And all it takes is that few seconds of stupid courage to propel you further.

So which way is the right way?

Or more precise, which way is the real way?

What is it….

What is it that I want…

And what is it that waits for me beyond that line in the horizon.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,musings,personal,pics,reminders,travel,travelogue,United Kingdom,wordy and have No Comments

I Want to Win an Awesome Tropical Island Holiday with Cikipedia!

Sigh, it would be absolutely amazing to be at my favourite place ever (the beach, sea if you didnt know) and to do yoga with the sound of crashing waves *self envisions and prays for good things*

And so because I’ve always wanted to go to Pangkor Laut and I absolutely loved YTL Cameron Highlands Resort,  I’m participating in Cikipedia’s Healthy Getaway Weekend! for my chance to have yogaaaa by the seaaaaa!

My Weekend Workout Routine
A grunt and a stiffle of breath,
As I run up and down the stairs,
Wrestle the cat in the bath,
And chase after the dogs for a shower.
Phewee, look at all that sweat on my towel.

Stumble into yoga class every Fridays and Sundays,
And sometimes even body balance on Mondays,
Relax, meditate,
Then take a long calming walk with the partner.

Yoga kitteh that hates showers says Hi!

posted by BabyGin in animals,cats,pics,random and have Comment (1)

Blank Stares

A disappearance haunted by illusions as i left this place for over 2 weeks. A getaway I will likely forget with bits and pieces that mark themselves in my memory as precious due to the people that made my stay worth every penny and pound but barely anything else.

Excited by the sight of my homeland I was never happier to have finally touched back down.

Less than a week and here i am again.

In my corner in tears trying to remember what was it I wanted so badly while I was away. What was it that made me dream of coming home every single day?

A few hours stolen here and there, little dreams and wishes swirl about in a haze; happiness was apparent but as the evenings rolled around, what is there here for me if not reminders of why i wanted to go so far away in the first place.

Above is a scene of champagnes and luxury and a view that left me breathless and in awe.

I spent that moment with two other people. People that mean a lot to me and made every effort they could to make me smile.

But secretly I wished I had been alone.

Alone with my thoughts.

Alone with myself.

Alone with time and it’s overwhelming presence, allowing my every fraction of my muddled personas to share their secrets. Whispers and silent conversations; and to be able to just sit there, staring at nothing…

Staring at nothing but the reflection of my lost self…

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,pics and have No Comments