Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Archive for the 'nightmares' Category

3 August 2013. Thoughts of 1.49am.

It’s easy to lie.

Its easy to lie to someone else and pretend that everything is fine.

Until you realise that you’ve lied so much, you’ve become the lie.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’ve been staring at this space on the wall, and then at my phone and then back at the wall. I’ve been doing this for over an hour and a half now and each time i stare at the digits on my phone, i hurt a little bit more.

The numbers move slowly, so slowly in fact that it feels almost like it isn’t moving at all.

And then suddenly an hour passes and the pain you’ve felt earlier has swelled up so much that you’re almost gagging; unable to breath or speak, or even close your eyes and hope to fall asleep.

I’ve lost a lot of things on the path to what I believed was what I wanted.

But they never made themselves known, at least not until i lapsed into these momentary cries of a crazed enemy.

And then i can only laugh and blame myself for what I have become and what I will continue to become.

Because really, what did I even know before?

Did i know what I want?

Did i forsee what would have happened or did I just play pretend.

In the end.

I lie here in my despair, alone and shivering.

And I blame no one, but laugh at the cruelty of my own joke and my belief of my own self worth.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,nightmares,personal,sad,stupidity,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

White Tiles

It’s always the same dream.

The same white space.

The same white tiles.

And nothing else in sight.

It the middle, lies a girl; curled up in a ball, shivering, pale and naked, like a wilted flower left to stain that gleaming white floor.

I’m standing there, watching as always; as silent as a ghost, doing nothing but staring.

My heart aches at the sight.

It cries along with the ashen tear stained face of the child.

And so, I try to reach out.

But nothing happens as my arm goes right through.

It’s always the same dream.

Me watching me.

Knowing exactly who it is I am staring at, yet being able to do nothing else but only that.

Tonight, my dream shape shifts for the first time.

I realise it’s not a room of infinite distance anymore.

I’m in a room lit by some hidden white light that reflects the tiles as if they were luminous.

The strange thing is,

It isn’t really a room.

It’s a transparent white cube.

I’m now hovering over it.

Staring down at the shrinking figure in the middle.

Just staring, staring and staring as usual.

Except…

In an unusual turn of events, the girl suddenly trembles harder than usual.

And I watch as she finally moves from her position on the floor.

She’s crying for real this time.

The tears are streaming down her face like I’ve never seen before.

She pulls herself to one side of the wall and on her knees, she starts banging on the walls; calling out to someone, someone who can’t hear her or even see her. Who, it makes me wonder for I see nothing but a floating cube in a dark expanse of space.

Her voice is coarse, she’s choking on her own words.

And the pale white skin of her fists.

They are not longer white, but red and sore from her constant banging.

And then I see it.

There you lay, fast asleep and smiling in our bed. You’re covered comfortably in our sheets, oblivious to the realisation that nobody is lying next to you any longer.

But there she is, just inches from your face.

Screaming, crying, banging on the walls; trying to get your attention;

Only you can’t see her.

And then i wake,

And tears are streaming down my face.

And like my dream,

I am staring at you,

But you don’t see me.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,nightmares,personal,sad,tragedies,wordy and have No Comments

The Witching Hour

You wake up with a jolt, your breath caught mid air; you’re gasping like a fish out of water and your heart beats an unsteady beat.

You know something isn’t right, there had been no nightmare.

You grope around the bed for the time; a handphone, a watch or a clock and its a quarter past 3 in the morning.

Unshaken, you close your eyes and hope for sleep to come like a clouded veil as it always does when you awaken groggy and confused in the middle of the night. You twist and you turn but sleep does not come, it moves further and further away, snaking it’s way from your grasp and disappearing with the fast cars that make their way about outside your window.

Your heartbeat slows but a dull ache remains. That unsettling feeling of discomfort does not want to go away.

You know, something somewhere has gone terribly wrong but you don’t know what and neither do you know where.

You prop yourself up and move to this corner in the bed, a corner between walls that act like a shield, careful not to awaken your slumbering other whom strangely enough seemed almost as restless as you moments before; only his eyes remain close and he flinches as if he were stuck in a bad dream but cannot get up.

Your cat stares at you, unsure of your distance but it stares at you, it’s eyes wide and round; knowing but silent, unable to tell.

Something somewhere isn’t right, not right now.

You divert your attention, and move your eyes and scan the room before your eyes fall on your sleeping pup, just lying still a few feet about.

He let’s out a muffle cry in his sleep, and his legs start to flail, and all of a sudden he jolts awake as well; fear clear in his eyes and he stares at you, stares unsure and afraid, but closes back his eyes.

Your eyes immediately divert once more, to the bright light of time.

It’s 3.33 a.m. and you know, you just know.

Something isn’t right.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,nightmares,personal,upset,wordy and have No Comments

KONY 2012

We live each day with no fear and carry on with our lives oblivious to many things. Or sometimes we know, but we also know there is nothing we can do without substantial funds and time. I’m not any different. Many things tug at my heart strings, many things make me cry and wish I could make a difference. I can but I choose not to because sometimes, things just aren’t as simple as saying “Hey, I’m going to do something. I’m going to make a difference and change the lives of hundreds of people/animals.”

Here, one man and his team stands up for something he believes in with more courage that I could ever muster. 9 years later, this man has the support of thousands of youths all over the world.

Be inspired.

Make a change.

All you have to do is watch this video and spread the news

Not too hard is it? 😉

APRIL 2012. It’s going to be EPIC.

KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

[ps. Oh yea! We now have a Malaysian facebook page HERE so do like and show your support so we can join in the movement this April as well 😉 ]

(10pm edit: there is also some controversy going on about how Invisible Children is not all its cracked up to be with funds being used for less ideal charitable reasons and how by supporting Kony 2012, we are in effect supporting the Ugandan army whom themselves rape and pillage and all those usual things. Also the fact that Kony’s body guards would inevitable be children and hence to get him, more children will die.

TRUE TRUE TRUE.

But sometimes, it works just the way stop buying from pet shops to close puppy mills works. When we stop buying form shops, those bred and being used to breed die anyway. Either way deaths are going to occur but which has a more sustainable inpact. The world works in a fucked up way.

Neither way is really correct but do make your own judgement and research before you support a cause =) I for one believe that this is one thing that until tried, you never really know the outcome. So i am all for Kony 2012! Maybe I don’t know the real story or the real truth behind this movement but it’s not like im forcing anyone to support it either)

posted by BabyGin in abuse,borrowed,events,good deeds,Inspirations,nightmares,personal,rescue,videos and have Comments (3)

You Guessed Right

if you think im dead.

you’re pretty much almost there.

im ON THE WAY.

so tired ive been sleeping at 10pm since i got back from Cameron.

Occasionally staying up past 12 but then subsequently skipping class after that.

FML.

my bed is calling

good night.

posted by BabyGin in abuse,confessions,nightmares,random,tragedies and have No Comments