Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

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Vision blurs, the world spins.

There’s a throbbing strain on the right side of my head. A sharp sting near the outer edge of my eye and a numbing sore much further behind.

My neck screams in protest at every movement i make.

There is no position that finds comfort.

My arms weaken and i feel my whole body become limp.

On days such as this, physical weakness paired with emotional distraught causes my mind to create monsters that people would normally deem disgraceful and disgusting.

A moment ago i had my entire script written in my head.

A morbid description of the scenarios and horrid temptations of pointless cruelty.

I’m no angel.

I have my dark dirty secrets.

Blood both disgust me and fascinates me.

That warm glowing red viscosity representing life; so thick and glorious,

it seduces me.

If only you knew the truth,

the ghost and shadows that roam in my head.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,gore,personal,wordy and have No Comments

Bloodied Dreams

its dark.

all i feel is heat. im grappling about trying to find my bearings.

the scene changes. the focus isnt me. im just a bystander watching.

theres someone lying there. i cant see whom it is.

a sudden burst of light. the dark figure is surrounded by flames. all i see is fire spreading. i still cant see his face. hes writhing in pain. im watching as his mouth opens to scream. there isnt a sound. the silence becomes anger. i feel it in the air. this figure, he becomes more upset as the flames continue to lick his perspiring body and face.

the air becomes more intense with a rage i cannot understand. as the flames grow angrier, it plays shadows across his face.

the first thing i notice is the creases on his forehead.

the flames continue to reveal each feature; slowly, menacingly.

every detail is familiar, yet i still cant place the name.

theres another figure. its a shadow. its not human.

it starts as a ball but then it starts to grow.

the first figure turns his head sharply.

hes staring right at me, his eyes pleading me to do something. hes looking right at me, but only his eyes appear real to me.

i stand there, unable to move. that pleading look changes. its annoyance and resentment.

he opens his mouth to say something.

instead a sudden look of pain and anguish flashes across his eyes and a scream is finally heard.

it jolts me, i start crying,

the scream, it emanates a dozen different kinds of suffering all at once. it doesnt stop. it becomes shrill and sharp and i feel my heart begin to pound.

i finally noticed the cause.

the other shadow. this shadow has taken the shape of a dog. there are no details, yet it could only be a dog. there is no real indications of this, yet you will know that there is nothing else that it can possibly be.

it has latched itself on his leg. biting into it with full force, the flames are beginning to douse off as blood seeps and flows in a dark velvet pool around the both of them.

the man, he turns to me again. once again pleading for help.

my heart feels heavy and i try to go closer but something is holding me firmly by my hands and feet. im bound. i struggle to get free and then a voice sympathetic and strange starts talking to me.

“theres nothing you can do my dear. he did this himself. he has to see what he has done to himself. feel the destruction of his uncontrollable emotions. be still.”

the flames begin to reappear.

and as it starts its dance, the scream becomes sharper and finally mute.


and then the crushing sound of bones breaking.

i shut my eyes and turn away. except i can still see it happening.

the dog, it bites harder and harder as the mans creases gets deeper and the flames become stronger.

his blood, is glistering in the light play of the flames. i feel something touch me.

i open my eyes and i look down.

the dark sticky liquid is rising. it has finally reached me. i feel myself sink unable to move away from the foul smelling scent of burning rotting flesh and the overpowering smell of blood stings even as i choke on my confusion of tears.

another scream is heard again,

different this time.

revengeful almost.

and in that split moment, the shadows on his face finally disappear.

i know him.

i know him so well.

and then my eyes fly open and im staring at the ceiling.

my heart continues to pound and my mouth is open as if im the one whos about to scream.

my dream.

it was so vivid.

i notice that im panting.

posted by BabyGin in gore,nightmares,personal,trauma,wordy and have No Comments

Dark Monday

you would think that the date 11.01.10 would be a good date. but noooooooooooooo, it pretty much pawned me over BIG TIME.

it all started at about 3 am where i suddenly woke up with a start, sweating. rolled around for a bit and forced myself to go back to bed because i had an exam today and due to some unforseen circumstances the day before, i had not even touched my books. total blackness and the weird dreams started hitting me at full force. dreams don’t even qualify more like a bombard of nightmares in this case. havent happened before =S this was just nightmare after nightmare after nightmare

3 stories. 3 haunting images flash across in the span of 4 hours.

the first one was the image of 2 cars having a head on collision in front of me. next thing i know, im slamming on my breaks because the cars in front of me were in such bad states they blocked the entire road. red everywhere, screams and fear stricken eyes is all i remember after that. it was just me. standing there watching in slow motion as the 2 cars hit each other and the drivers splitting their heads and dying on the spot.

then i wake up, and i can still hear them crying. 

i shut my eyes and i blank out again.

and like a repeat im in the same car, this time someone else is beside me. i can’t see his face but i know it’s a guy. all i see is shadows and im screaming at him. angry, frustrated and then im laughing and giggling. i let go of the steering wheel and he grabs hold of it. suddenly a hollow sound comes out from him and my car stops on it’s own.  i look on the road and a man is mutilated in front of me. his limbs twisted and his blood a dark stain across the ground. you can’t see his eyes. they’re not there. his lips frozen in place as flies swarm around.

suddenly thunder erupts above and it’s almost pitch black. i can hear the thundering sounds of heavy raindrops on the roof. my headlights turn on and there it remains focused on the dead man. the man next to me, he laughs. touches my face and tells me not to be afraid. suddenly im in his seat and he’s in mine. he steps on the accelerator and we race towards the corpse in the daunting rain. i remember shutting my eyes, chocking on my tears and muffled screams. i could hear the sound of bones breaking underneath. the cracking of  bones and the squelching of wet tires across his bloodied body. an echo surrounds me and with my eyes still tightly shut i hear his hollow laughter.

i sit up in bed, my eyes fly open. im in the room, the boy’s sleeping quietly beside. my body is exhauted, my heart is racing.

i reach out for him and hold his hands tightly in mine. i hold on like i’m afraid he’s going to dissapear and the next thing i know, i’m asleep because i’m now in a room thats all too familiar except it’s daylight and the walls are a bleached kind of white..

he calls to tell me he’s going away for a few days. take care of his dogs he says. she sits beside me and i mumbled my okays and then we hear dogs growling. we run down together and i see a kitten cowering by the wall. the little thing is cornered. she who is afraid of cats stands there unsure of how to react. finally she lunges towards one of the dogs and grabs hold of his collar. just in time, he almost bit the other. i run towards them. grab the little one and bring it back inside.

we’re hungry. i leave the kitten upstairs and we head to the mamak nearby. i’m eating and suddenly my heart squeezes in pain. i start to perspire as my heart rate goes up. i hear a loud wail. somethings in pain. my goosebumps and hairs starts to stand up. then it’s gone. silence. i stare across to where i am. i see something black run towards us. it’s his black dog. he’s gotten loose. he comes and rubs himself against me. and a smell hits my nose. i look down and my white shorts are covered in blood. i scream. i run blindly back towards the house. the door is wide open.

i run upstairs and all i see is fur and blood splatted across the walls and bed. the pungent smell of death suffocates me as i stand in the middle of the room and watch as the blood slides slowly down the walls. i collapse and my whole body shudders as i let out gasps of air.

again i wake up, this time my eyes remain close. and the lingering smell of blood still invades my senses.

finally they open and it’s light. i reach for my phone. it’s 7.12. my alarm is going to ring soon. i sit up again. afraid to go back to sleep. suddenly he wakes up and he asks whats wrong. he holds me tight and tells me it’s alright but he notices im still tossing and i wont go back to sleep. he goes out and brings something in. it’s the necklace he usually wears and he places it on the bed frame. finally, finally i fall asleep.


less than 4 hours of sleep and im up having to study. lounge around the house a while, read some notes and head over to college. drive to the hostels to meet a friend who was going to tutor me a bit. i drive down the parking and my road is blocked. i cant get past. there’s nowhere else to park so i make a u turn and drive into the residents car park. see a spot with no reserve sign and park there. get out of the car and suddenly a guard comes up to me and tells me i cant park here and tells me to park outside.i tell her i can’t. theres no parking she stares at me and walks towards the edge and shows me that there is indeed still a lot of parking. im confused. very very confused. and then i realise it’s the area beyond where the tow truck had stopped. i drive back down and i’m already i’m half an hour late.

do some practice questions from past year papers and realise with a start it’s a lot easier then what i had remembered. i knew how to do a great deal of them. and i remembered the formulas i needed. felt relieved thinking that okay, i’m ready for my paper.

drive to the building and head towards my usual car park. its 1.22pm. i know, i looked at the time printed on the car park ticket.

my table number is 011. how ironic. almost like todays date. exam paper on the table. first few questions are fine. and then the headache starts. i can’t do almost half my paper. time’s running out. the questions staring back at me are totally alien.  times up. over a quarter of my paper is still empty. it was fucked. resits again next sem i guess.

disheartened. head back towards my car. my parking is 4 bucks for the first 2 hours and 2.50 for additional hours. i went 15 minutes past 2 hours. had to cough up more money then i had anticipated. drive out and i cant decide to go back home to cheras or home to damansara. finally decide on cheras. the minute my car hits cheras, it rains. and i notice i’m almost out of petrol. fuck that. go home.

home. i come online.

less than 20 mins later, power trip and there’s no electricity. to make matters worst a few car alarms are ringing simultaneously. and it goes on for the next 10-15 minutes.

sigh. im tired.

it’s been a bad bad day. 

posted by BabyGin in annoyed,gore,nightmares,tragedies,trauma,upset,wordy and have Comments (2)

right now my heart is in my mouth and no, not in the love sick kind of way. just woke up to one of the worst nightmares i’ve ever had. this was a nightmare that used to frequent my dreams in the past. it hasnt appeared in years; and as the years go by, more disturbing details manifest itself and now, with only 4 hours of sleep my eyes are afraid to close in fear of falling back into that nighmarish abyss.

it’s hard to describe what it is i saw because my descriptions would only prove futile. it would make it seem rather comical in fact but watching a sick man tear apart a cat in my face was the latest element in this dream. and it was me who he dragged the cat from.

but the cat is just a very small portion of this whole hallucination. would we even call it hallucination? my mind is all over the place right now, i really can’t think straight. all i hear is the high pitched screams of the people that surrounded me in this world.

and i am afraid to lay my head on my pillow and let sleep overtake me; this dream is nothing but sick and intimidating.

posted by BabyGin in gore,nightmares and have No Comments

i was at kfc’s just now and just as i was about to savour the last few morsels of my chicken an image started visualising in my head and it felt almost like a hologram right in front of me *___* and oh boy it was not a pretty sight.

i started imagining myself peeling and pulling at the raw flesh of a live chicken as it’s feathers flew all around me and it’s blood drizzles down my hand while it quite literally screamed in pain *_______*

after that i couldnt even stand looking at the bones.

i think i might just make it as a vegan *_* in quite a jiffy if my mind continues to behave this way *_*

posted by BabyGin in food,gore,nightmares and have No Comments