Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Archive for the 'upset' Category

Empty.

I’m not the kind of person who often feels the emotion of regret, yet it comes every now and then, and it hits me harder than a wave out at sea.

For some strange reason, I had always thought they were about different things. And then today – it finally dawned upon me. The truth is, this feeling has always been about the same thing; in different forms yet in essence, infinitely the same.

My pain, that nauseating ache – it was you and the time I could never get back.

And then those ringing words of warning the past 8.5 years come back to haunt me, as if in glee they sang.

I’m stretched thin. But you won’t even care.

And here I am back at square one, wondering why I never left.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Burnt Reins and The Beginning of Regret.

It is in that moment of weakness that you often realize how the words of warning from others have actually rung true. But it is also in that moment of weakness, you find escape an impossible thing to do. Not because it really is, but because the guilt of doing so will hurt not just you, but those you love dearly too.

As the years pass, the dull ache of sadness turns into something much worst. It grows into a fiery spite that burns itself into a constant reminder of whose decision and mistake it clearly is. Because in the end, it is nobody. Nobody that is, but myself.

I left my reins in the hands of another. Blinded by the belief that things would somehow get better and I would actually be content with having myself tamed. I was fine for a while. But all those sharp and often unnecessary constraints have clearly left their marks. The scars don’t show physically but they burn with a relentless throb.

Now I often question my choice.

Would I be much happier if I had just walked out of that stable and never turned back.

 

 

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

New Years 2014

You would think that on the first day of the new year that marks the beginning of the 5th year, I would have learnt something by now. Or at least learnt to stop being happy over things that i had falsely anticipated and believed would come. And learnt to make my own happiness instead of placing it on the actions and behaviors of another.

Over 4 years peppered with constant vessels of false hope and empty promises, my day began rocky… improved and got great……..only to end in a pitfall of numb accusations and the same broken heart…except less pain and more tired annoyance.

Too many close calls on my account.

My silence have learnt to finally fuel themselves into the anger and hate that I had previously been unable to harbour.

I wonder what’s going to happen then.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,upset and have No Comments

3 August 2013. Thoughts of 1.49am.

It’s easy to lie.

Its easy to lie to someone else and pretend that everything is fine.

Until you realise that you’ve lied so much, you’ve become the lie.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’ve been staring at this space on the wall, and then at my phone and then back at the wall. I’ve been doing this for over an hour and a half now and each time i stare at the digits on my phone, i hurt a little bit more.

The numbers move slowly, so slowly in fact that it feels almost like it isn’t moving at all.

And then suddenly an hour passes and the pain you’ve felt earlier has swelled up so much that you’re almost gagging; unable to breath or speak, or even close your eyes and hope to fall asleep.

I’ve lost a lot of things on the path to what I believed was what I wanted.

But they never made themselves known, at least not until i lapsed into these momentary cries of a crazed enemy.

And then i can only laugh and blame myself for what I have become and what I will continue to become.

Because really, what did I even know before?

Did i know what I want?

Did i forsee what would have happened or did I just play pretend.

In the end.

I lie here in my despair, alone and shivering.

And I blame no one, but laugh at the cruelty of my own joke and my belief of my own self worth.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,nightmares,personal,sad,stupidity,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Cold

Silent and hard, they stare back at me and in that split instance, i feel it all over again. That suffocating pain, both mental and physical; the painful tear of my heart being ripped apart even when i had thought it would finally stop beating.

We often try to convince ourselves of how numb we have become, but they never seem to be the truth in moments such as this.

And then we retract into a crying ball of mess; alone, in pain and then self loathing.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,sad,upset and have No Comments