Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Archive for the 'sad' Category

My Swaying Heart.

People often tell me that I’m cold. So cold, they often wondered if I was really who they thought I was.

But many do not realize that I was molded to become that way, to solidify my fortress in order to protect myself and those around me. For it is people and their constant greed, lies and betrayal that made me this way.

It’s strange, because I am lucky.

I am lucky to always be surrounded by an infinite warmth and love with little malice and insincere intentions. And yet, being the introvert I am, just watching others has a profound effect on me that scars me even when it is not of my world or within the realms of my consciousness. And as such I chose to harden my heart, to block out empathy and to feel indifferent to many things all around me.

But lately my heart is swaying.

It bleeds so much that I often feel like shutting my eyes and locking myself in my room away from the sights, news and rumours that go around, leaving lingering images and voices in my head.

Everything makes me cry now. It makes my heart thump in that loud dull manner, that feels like its going to come out of my mouth in the most gruesome way ever. A gagging kind of sensation and a coldness that sends chills through my body in waves that makes me weak.

It used to only be boyfriends and animals.

But everything hurts now.

Watching that frail old man walk from table to table with his heavy bottle of honey. Eyes soft and welcoming but streaked with tired lines of poverty and rejection. It’s been months since you came to my table. And till this day the guilt still shakes me up in ways I could never have imagined. I wished I had bought a bottle, but when I went back and drove around, you were nowhere to be found.

Seeing the tired look of the cleaners ride up and down the lifts of my university hurts me. I hear people whisper in annoyance at how these cleaners are dirty and should not be taking the lifts, especially for floors that go only one level. But they are old and tired, and they sometimes walk in a lopsided manner, yet rarely a smile or thank you from the people they pick up after. Perhaps you, in your youth and entitlement should take the stairs up with the bountiful energy you often conserve for the day and nights of social pleasures instead.

That man sitting alone staring down at his plate. I am watching him and I see how lonely he is and the tired redness of his eyes. Just watching him from afar, and his emotions reach me in tremours that make it hard for me to eat.

And I hate this feeling. I hate how sensitive I have become, how even sitting in the car as I wait for someone fill petrol into their car can send me into a bubble of discomforting silence from the people that come in and out. Merely staring out the window of my car seat becomes a war of emotions and feelings.

What is this?

It is not anger I feel.

Just pain and sadness that renders me into a state of frenzied confusion.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,personal,sad,tragedies,wordy and have No Comments

3 August 2013. Thoughts of 1.49am.

It’s easy to lie.

Its easy to lie to someone else and pretend that everything is fine.

Until you realise that you’ve lied so much, you’ve become the lie.


I’ve been staring at this space on the wall, and then at my phone and then back at the wall. I’ve been doing this for over an hour and a half now and each time i stare at the digits on my phone, i hurt a little bit more.

The numbers move slowly, so slowly in fact that it feels almost like it isn’t moving at all.

And then suddenly an hour passes and the pain you’ve felt earlier has swelled up so much that you’re almost gagging; unable to breath or speak, or even close your eyes and hope to fall asleep.

I’ve lost a lot of things on the path to what I believed was what I wanted.

But they never made themselves known, at least not until i lapsed into these momentary cries of a crazed enemy.

And then i can only laugh and blame myself for what I have become and what I will continue to become.

Because really, what did I even know before?

Did i know what I want?

Did i forsee what would have happened or did I just play pretend.

In the end.

I lie here in my despair, alone and shivering.

And I blame no one, but laugh at the cruelty of my own joke and my belief of my own self worth.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,nightmares,personal,sad,stupidity,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Last Night…

I never really understood the feelings I had or the reasons for my decisions. They guided me well enough over the years and I was never made to really think them through.

Last night a long hearted chat with an old friend touched on a subject that I have kept hidden from many. Not because I was secretive; no, it was because I never really once thought about it. And yet last night it all came out, glaringly painful and so obvious all of a sudden. And it kept coming out in waves. This hidden pain that over the past 2 to 3 years I have learnt to shut out unconsciously. It spilled out effortlessly, as if I knew what it was all these while yet kept silent in denial. My feelings and fears were finally revealed until our conversation became quiet in mutual understanding, and a sad nod indicated that I wanted to just go home and cry.

She saw right through me. She saw because she understood. Something i often wished you could.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad and have No Comments

The First of 2013.

Hello there old friend,

It’s been a while since i last came for a visit. I missed you. I did.


Today i felt the tightening of my chest, all too familiar yet different at the same time. There was no argument, no fight, no nothing; just weeks of wondering suddenly compacting itself into a lightbulb of unwelcomed realisation.

I have become a bird who’s wings have been clipped. Conditioned to never leave.

The light in my eyes, they have become weak.

And still I wonder, why haven’t you noticed?

But the truth is, my dear, you have indeed. Yet you keep quiet, unquestioningly brushing it off like this is how things are meant to be.

But things have gone much deeper than you realise. It isn’t as simple as it may seem for I now fear many things. Things I used to want so badly no longer appeal to me. I fear them like they are the plague and my caution grows ever much stronger. Dreams that used to be, now become nightmares that cling onto me.

And I often wonder if I have become that shadow I’ve always wanted to be.

Maybe the truth is,

I often dream of death,

Because death has already befallen me.

I am just waiting,

Waiting patiently,

For you to finally see.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,tragedies and have No Comments

White Tiles

It’s always the same dream.

The same white space.

The same white tiles.

And nothing else in sight.

It the middle, lies a girl; curled up in a ball, shivering, pale and naked, like a wilted flower left to stain that gleaming white floor.

I’m standing there, watching as always; as silent as a ghost, doing nothing but staring.

My heart aches at the sight.

It cries along with the ashen tear stained face of the child.

And so, I try to reach out.

But nothing happens as my arm goes right through.

It’s always the same dream.

Me watching me.

Knowing exactly who it is I am staring at, yet being able to do nothing else but only that.

Tonight, my dream shape shifts for the first time.

I realise it’s not a room of infinite distance anymore.

I’m in a room lit by some hidden white light that reflects the tiles as if they were luminous.

The strange thing is,

It isn’t really a room.

It’s a transparent white cube.

I’m now hovering over it.

Staring down at the shrinking figure in the middle.

Just staring, staring and staring as usual.


In an unusual turn of events, the girl suddenly trembles harder than usual.

And I watch as she finally moves from her position on the floor.

She’s crying for real this time.

The tears are streaming down her face like I’ve never seen before.

She pulls herself to one side of the wall and on her knees, she starts banging on the walls; calling out to someone, someone who can’t hear her or even see her. Who, it makes me wonder for I see nothing but a floating cube in a dark expanse of space.

Her voice is coarse, she’s choking on her own words.

And the pale white skin of her fists.

They are not longer white, but red and sore from her constant banging.

And then I see it.

There you lay, fast asleep and smiling in our bed. You’re covered comfortably in our sheets, oblivious to the realisation that nobody is lying next to you any longer.

But there she is, just inches from your face.

Screaming, crying, banging on the walls; trying to get your attention;

Only you can’t see her.

And then i wake,

And tears are streaming down my face.

And like my dream,

I am staring at you,

But you don’t see me.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,nightmares,personal,sad,tragedies,wordy and have No Comments