Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Archive for the 'sad' Category

Heartbreaks

When the heart breaks, it breaks for many reasons. Sometimes we just never know when it’s going to happen. It could be something big, something trivial, something completely unexpected. Yet a heartbreak remains a heartbreak.

It isn’t always a person. Sometimes its just an expectation, or an unwanted situation. But it hurts in such a way, you lose all motivation. Days pass, time keeps moving, but there you are, left floating.

Some days you wake up with tears stinging your eyes, a feeling of confusion as to why you’re even still living. The living becomes a dream, one that holds no meaning.

Depression is a killer, laced with the arsenic that is your own. It feeds on heartbreaks that remain an open wound.

And here I am again.

In that pain and withdrawal, that is mine and only mine to feel.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,wordy and have No Comments

Burnt Reins and The Beginning of Regret.

It is in that moment of weakness that you often realize how the words of warning from others have actually rung true. But it is also in that moment of weakness, you find escape an impossible thing to do. Not because it really is, but because the guilt of doing so will hurt not just you, but those you love dearly too.

As the years pass, the dull ache of sadness turns into something much worst. It grows into a fiery spite that burns itself into a constant reminder of whose decision and mistake it clearly is. Because in the end, it is nobody. Nobody that is, but myself.

I left my reins in the hands of another. Blinded by the belief that things would somehow get better and I would actually be content with having myself tamed. I was fine for a while. But all those sharp and often unnecessary constraints have clearly left their marks. The scars don’t show physically but they burn with a relentless throb.

Now I often question my choice.

Would I be much happier if I had just walked out of that stable and never turned back.

 

 

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Autumn Crossroads

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There always comes a time in your perfect little world where cracks start to show and leaks somehow become cascades, eventually causing a succession of erratically confused panic that could only be defined by an incredulously delusional sequence of thoughts and actions.

The world turns topsy turvy…

No.

My world turns topsy turvy.

Contentment and sadness no longer in polarity, they seep into one another and become part of each other. Where does one start and where does one end. The questions beggingly implore my pounding heart, head, and sometimes hand. They say the heart wants what it wants. But what does the heart really want?

The truth can sometimes be glaringly bare.

For the heart wants many things. Too often things that seem unable to meet, leaving a trail of tangled knots and imperfect crossroads. So then what does the heart want? It does not choose its path. It only creates more; almost like a butterfly effect that takes pleasure in sending masses into unknowing chaos.

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Solidarity calls for attention. Yet heartstrings tug back in fearful confusion.

Like the bright red leaves of autumn, love is only a temporary illusion. They fall and what was once seemingly beautiful, find themselves in a forgotten medley of muddy brown, ash like dissolutions. But memory remains, and like the pull of gravity, one yearns for what was. In hopeful eyes, one always yearns for what was.

It’s a lie.

Everything is a lie.

The past will always hold you back.

And sometimes, that past is of a future hope instead.

Or simply, a fear of losing something precious in your life.

“Hold me in your arms, and tell me everything’s going to be all right.”

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,pics,sad,travelogue,wordy and have No Comments

Of Lost Friendships and Lingering Memories

(1.15am edit: On  a whim, I suddenly felt like rereading this post and discovered that I’ve written some parts wrongly – eg. wrong word, strange grammar, etc. and so have decided to edit it. If you reread it too, that’s why it seems a little bit different. If you’re reading it for the first time, I’m sorry if my writing seems a bit off, I’m a little out of practice lately)

It’s been a long time since I was last in this space. Months forgotten, almost like that of the title of this post. But this blog will always be a part of me, and in its depths the memories that sometimes often continue to haunt me.

Like today.

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The familiar beatings of an uneasy heart, a pain that takes over your entire soul. A pain that I am all too familiar with, only today, it is directed at someone else. Not just one, but a number of people that I had once entrusted my entire being in, believing that these are the people that would always be here – never for no worthy reason, ever leaving my side. It’s almost like a delusional description of ownership but that really isn’t the case at all. It is a trust and bond so deep, it exceeds the fleeting moments of casual friendships and momentary happiness.

A bond between two people that is not of lovers, yet intertwined in such a way that it is often close, if not deceptively misleading. Yet what I often fail to realize is how my dependency on them was sometimes completely neurotic and one sided, a lie of sorts that this feeling was built on a solid mutual bond.

In these friendships, I often gave my all, though appearing to be holding a stance of cold frigidness that people often could not break through. There are no signs of my dependency, one could almost never tell. It was just the way that I was built; reserved and uninviting. But I knew my weakness, and what these friendships really meant to me, even if no one else could really see it.

These were the kind of friendships I felt as if I were almost in a romantic relationship with. Silent conversations, and yet the comfort a presence could bring. Those random bursts of colourful conversations, and the belief that judgement was not something reserved but freely released.

As time passed on, so did these people. They came in and then out of my life in unexpected ways, often with words like “people change” or “people drift apart” and then I am left standing alone on the sidewalk, silently weeping and clinging on like a lost child left helplessly crying in a busy marketplace. Some of these people disappear without a trace, they leave silently without even once looking back and each time they do, like an ex lover, they take away a piece of my heart, a little fragment that I had so foolishly given them. Some however, continue to linger on. They appear once in a blue moon and occasionally drift by, as if I were easily replaceable and merely a childish pastime. But just like before, my heart is not spared, instead, it often scars deeper.

Do not be mistaken.

There is no feelings of regret. There is no ill wishing.

But what there is left in its stead, is always a gaping hole that never seems to heal itself. It isn’t the pain of lost love, but sometimes I think my heart confuses it with such and so it comes treacherously close. The scar of a forgotten friendship; a painful emptiness filled with memories and once a trust so deep, it just never learns to fully let go.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,wordy and have No Comments

My Swaying Heart.

People often tell me that I’m cold. So cold, they often wondered if I was really who they thought I was.

But many do not realize that I was molded to become that way, to solidify my fortress in order to protect myself and those around me. For it is people and their constant greed, lies and betrayal that made me this way.

It’s strange, because I am lucky.

I am lucky to always be surrounded by an infinite warmth and love with little malice and insincere intentions. And yet, being the introvert I am, just watching others has a profound effect on me that scars me even when it is not of my world or within the realms of my consciousness. And as such I chose to harden my heart, to block out empathy and to feel indifferent to many things all around me.

But lately my heart is swaying.

It bleeds so much that I often feel like shutting my eyes and locking myself in my room away from the sights, news and rumours that go around, leaving lingering images and voices in my head.

Everything makes me cry now. It makes my heart thump in that loud dull manner, that feels like its going to come out of my mouth in the most gruesome way ever. A gagging kind of sensation and a coldness that sends chills through my body in waves that makes me weak.

It used to only be boyfriends and animals.

But everything hurts now.

Watching that frail old man walk from table to table with his heavy bottle of honey. Eyes soft and welcoming but streaked with tired lines of poverty and rejection. It’s been months since you came to my table. And till this day the guilt still shakes me up in ways I could never have imagined. I wished I had bought a bottle, but when I went back and drove around, you were nowhere to be found.

Seeing the tired look of the cleaners ride up and down the lifts of my university hurts me. I hear people whisper in annoyance at how these cleaners are dirty and should not be taking the lifts, especially for floors that go only one level. But they are old and tired, and they sometimes walk in a lopsided manner, yet rarely a smile or thank you from the people they pick up after. Perhaps you, in your youth and entitlement should take the stairs up with the bountiful energy you often conserve for the day and nights of social pleasures instead.

That man sitting alone staring down at his plate. I am watching him and I see how lonely he is and the tired redness of his eyes. Just watching him from afar, and his emotions reach me in tremours that make it hard for me to eat.

And I hate this feeling. I hate how sensitive I have become, how even sitting in the car as I wait for someone fill petrol into their car can send me into a bubble of discomforting silence from the people that come in and out. Merely staring out the window of my car seat becomes a war of emotions and feelings.

What is this?

It is not anger I feel.

Just pain and sadness that renders me into a state of frenzied confusion.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,personal,sad,tragedies,wordy and have No Comments