Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Archive for the 'confessions' Category

My Swaying Heart.

People often tell me that I’m cold. So cold, they often wondered if I was really who they thought I was.

But many do not realize that I was molded to become that way, to solidify my fortress in order to protect myself and those around me. For it is people and their constant greed, lies and betrayal that made me this way.

It’s strange, because I am lucky.

I am lucky to always be surrounded by an infinite warmth and love with little malice and insincere intentions. And yet, being the introvert I am, just watching others has a profound effect on me that scars me even when it is not of my world or within the realms of my consciousness. And as such I chose to harden my heart, to block out empathy and to feel indifferent to many things all around me.

But lately my heart is swaying.

It bleeds so much that I often feel like shutting my eyes and locking myself in my room away from the sights, news and rumours that go around, leaving lingering images and voices in my head.

Everything makes me cry now. It makes my heart thump in that loud dull manner, that feels like its going to come out of my mouth in the most gruesome way ever. A gagging kind of sensation and a coldness that sends chills through my body in waves that makes me weak.

It used to only be boyfriends and animals.

But everything hurts now.

Watching that frail old man walk from table to table with his heavy bottle of honey. Eyes soft and welcoming but streaked with tired lines of poverty and rejection. It’s been months since you came to my table. And till this day the guilt still shakes me up in ways I could never have imagined. I wished I had bought a bottle, but when I went back and drove around, you were nowhere to be found.

Seeing the tired look of the cleaners ride up and down the lifts of my university hurts me. I hear people whisper in annoyance at how these cleaners are dirty and should not be taking the lifts, especially for floors that go only one level. But they are old and tired, and they sometimes walk in a lopsided manner, yet rarely a smile or thank you from the people they pick up after. Perhaps you, in your youth and entitlement should take the stairs up with the bountiful energy you often conserve for the day and nights of social pleasures instead.

That man sitting alone staring down at his plate. I am watching him and I see how lonely he is and the tired redness of his eyes. Just watching him from afar, and his emotions reach me in tremours that make it hard for me to eat.

And I hate this feeling. I hate how sensitive I have become, how even sitting in the car as I wait for someone fill petrol into their car can send me into a bubble of discomforting silence from the people that come in and out. Merely staring out the window of my car seat becomes a war of emotions and feelings.

What is this?

It is not anger I feel.

Just pain and sadness that renders me into a state of frenzied confusion.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,personal,sad,tragedies,wordy and have No Comments

Hi. Its the end of 2013.

In the years that have passed I’ve learnt to fall out of love with many things.

One of which had to be writing.

And another reading.

I no longer wanted to fill my time doing things I used to love. All I wanted to do was find time to be alone and just hibernate without having to do anything.

Many people attributed this to my boyfriend.

But the fact is, he had nothing to do with it.

I was tired. So very tired both mentally and physically for a myriad of reasons. The worst being the ordeal of having to go through my degree. I hate school. I hate studying. This has been the same since I was a kid.

The first week of kindergarden had me screaming and crying on the floor for days. I begged to be left at home. And every year, i felt no excitement at the prospect of starting a new school year.

In fact, the rest of my school life was filled with me making myself sick or literally getting sick because of how much I hated having to coop myself up in a room and listen to things I could learn in 10 minutes get dragged on for an hour. How I was not allowed to pace my own work and forced to do things at a slower rate or in a ridiculous timeline that had no proper spacing at all.

None of this changed.

But what kept me very much alive throughout these many years are the wonderful people I always seemingly seem to meet in my life, many of whom have walked alongside me for as long as I can remember. I’m one of those lucky kids that still has her best friends from kindergarden and primary school.

I don’t know where this post is going or what this post was for.

But i told myself in bed just now as I tried to go to sleep that its time to pick up on things that I had left behind. I want to paint, read, bake, write and do the many things I used to so adore. And I want to them all because I know these are the things that truly make me happy. Things that do not involve competition with another, or taking things from another or making another person feel smaller than they are. Things that many people expect me to do and be.

I’m sorry that you feel that I’m wasting my talents and time.

But I just want to be happy.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,personal,random,wordy and have No Comments

3 August 2013. Thoughts of 1.49am.

It’s easy to lie.

Its easy to lie to someone else and pretend that everything is fine.

Until you realise that you’ve lied so much, you’ve become the lie.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’ve been staring at this space on the wall, and then at my phone and then back at the wall. I’ve been doing this for over an hour and a half now and each time i stare at the digits on my phone, i hurt a little bit more.

The numbers move slowly, so slowly in fact that it feels almost like it isn’t moving at all.

And then suddenly an hour passes and the pain you’ve felt earlier has swelled up so much that you’re almost gagging; unable to breath or speak, or even close your eyes and hope to fall asleep.

I’ve lost a lot of things on the path to what I believed was what I wanted.

But they never made themselves known, at least not until i lapsed into these momentary cries of a crazed enemy.

And then i can only laugh and blame myself for what I have become and what I will continue to become.

Because really, what did I even know before?

Did i know what I want?

Did i forsee what would have happened or did I just play pretend.

In the end.

I lie here in my despair, alone and shivering.

And I blame no one, but laugh at the cruelty of my own joke and my belief of my own self worth.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,nightmares,personal,sad,stupidity,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Last Night…

I never really understood the feelings I had or the reasons for my decisions. They guided me well enough over the years and I was never made to really think them through.

Last night a long hearted chat with an old friend touched on a subject that I have kept hidden from many. Not because I was secretive; no, it was because I never really once thought about it. And yet last night it all came out, glaringly painful and so obvious all of a sudden. And it kept coming out in waves. This hidden pain that over the past 2 to 3 years I have learnt to shut out unconsciously. It spilled out effortlessly, as if I knew what it was all these while yet kept silent in denial. My feelings and fears were finally revealed until our conversation became quiet in mutual understanding, and a sad nod indicated that I wanted to just go home and cry.

She saw right through me. She saw because she understood. Something i often wished you could.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad and have No Comments

The First of 2013.

Hello there old friend,

It’s been a while since i last came for a visit. I missed you. I did.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Today i felt the tightening of my chest, all too familiar yet different at the same time. There was no argument, no fight, no nothing; just weeks of wondering suddenly compacting itself into a lightbulb of unwelcomed realisation.

I have become a bird who’s wings have been clipped. Conditioned to never leave.

The light in my eyes, they have become weak.

And still I wonder, why haven’t you noticed?

But the truth is, my dear, you have indeed. Yet you keep quiet, unquestioningly brushing it off like this is how things are meant to be.

But things have gone much deeper than you realise. It isn’t as simple as it may seem for I now fear many things. Things I used to want so badly no longer appeal to me. I fear them like they are the plague and my caution grows ever much stronger. Dreams that used to be, now become nightmares that cling onto me.

And I often wonder if I have become that shadow I’ve always wanted to be.

Maybe the truth is,

I often dream of death,

Because death has already befallen me.

I am just waiting,

Waiting patiently,

For you to finally see.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,tragedies and have No Comments