Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Archive for the 'musings' Category

Over the Rails

For what seemed like the longest time, I found myself cripplingly afraid of heights. It made my knees weak, and my heart palpitate so hard, I sometimes found it hard to breathe.

Yet, for the past year or two, as I looked down from high places protected behind a solid and high enough barrier, I felt myself stare downwards, often tempted to just hoist myself over and let myself free fall down. The clearer the ground, and the harder the surface, the more I felt myself compelled to shut everyone out and just tip myself over and find out just what would happen if I really did climb over, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and just jump down.

The more this notion struct me, the more intrigued I’ve become.

I wonder if I’m depressed. But everyone else around me thinks that’s just silly; for what reason could I possibly feel depressed? The truth is, I don’t even know myself.

Maybe I’m just bored or maybe I’m suddenly an adrenaline junky, but things like rollercoasters and even a standard yoga handstand makes me sick to my stomach the moment I feel myself turned around.

But every time this happens, I can feel it call out. Each time stronger, and more tempting, I can’t help but wonder if one day I’ll be one of those mangled bodies laying there on the ground.

And then I wonder after,

Would you have cared more, if you had known what would have happened, each time I walked towards those rails.

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Are you?

“When was the last time you spent a full 24 hours with me” I asked.

a silence reverberated through the room before a minuscule list of random days from the past weeks shot out.

“No. You had meetings…I wasn’t around…and the list goes on. You can’t even remember anymore can you?”

“Silence”

“Silence”

“Are you lonely?” he muttered before i felt the warm palm of his hands quiver as he fell asleep.

And then it struck me.

Is that it? Is that what it was all about?

Was I really lonely?

Or is it something else?

Can you feel lonely in a home where you never sleep alone?

Or is it the sort of loneliness that differs from just being around people.

I don’t know.

And I can’t tell.

But I’ve not smiled properly in quite a while.

 

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Dancing Shadows

Lie beneath pale white ceiling and stare, stare straight up into nothing but the slow moving blades of the fan switched on at one.

How do you feel?

What do you feel?

It’s an eerie kind of moment as the silence of the house becomes a ringing sound that reverberates through your entire being. You pick up noises you normally never notice and it feels as if you were listening to time itself move in it’s unwavering way. Time is moving, time keeps moving but for some reason you’re not.

It isn’t a type of boredom. It isn’t even close.

This level of melancholia serves no purpose. It comes and it goes as it pleases.

Tilt your head a little to the side.

And then notice how the room feels like it’s beginning to shrink. Caving into you in a strange distorted movement that causes not fear, but strangely, a calm sort of acceptance.

The shadows are dancing, they dance a slow languid dance as you spy from the corners of your eyes.

You blink.

And then all you hear is your raspy breathing, stifled and dry.

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Horizon

 Silence.

Confusion.

A frenzy of disheveled hair and lost eyes.

The union of unexpected couples in vows and the separation of even more unexpected couples in heartbreaks.

I bore witness to several of these instances the past couple of months and in the process placed myself in alternating moods of bitter dissonance and happy contentment.

Now i am unsure of where I stand; eyes burning, heart thumping, my voice coarse and unwelcoming.

For so many years, over a decade to be precise. I never really learnt how to separate my emotions and single out the truth that so many have often questions. How do people so easily decide on an option, to just throw years of comfort away into the shadows or to take that leap into a more hopeful future of even more promises?

“Never make a decision in anger,” people often say.

But anger makes you braver doesn’t it?

And all it takes is that few seconds of stupid courage to propel you further.

So which way is the right way?

Or more precise, which way is the real way?

What is it….

What is it that I want…

And what is it that waits for me beyond that line in the horizon.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,musings,personal,pics,reminders,travel,travelogue,United Kingdom,wordy and have No Comments

Still In Love.

Sometimes, we look at the digital numbers on our watches; that little corner that tells us the date instead of the time and then we start subconsciously calculating time in terms of days, months and then years. Then we let out a gaping wail that tries to unsuccessfully mask itself as a gasp and do the mental calculations all over again; only, this time we use our fingers and when we realize the numbers tally, we let out another gasp, this time quieter and almost under our breath.

Yup.

It’s been that long and time’s passing by in a blink of an eye.

A month, 6 months, a year and suddenly its 2 years.

It’s the same with me.

It’s 2 years and just a little over 5 months now and I’m sitting here with my pot of tea, my laptop and sentimental songs that are not really love songs. It’s raining outside. In fact, it’s been raining for about 5 hours now and a last minute decision has placed me in this same spot just aimlessly wondering in and out of thought.

People say a crush that lasts over a few months becomes love – an infatuation that goes beyond it’s term.

Waking up next to the same person for over 24 months now, one would expect to feel mildly bored of the same old face and the same old scent but one does not know the feeling of waking up next to an empty side and feeling incomplete, like a piece of a missing jigsaw that waits to be found. Every morning I wake up to the familiar kiss on my forehead and instinctively i cling my arms arounds the neck of this very same person, reluctant to let go and having to start my day without that special someone by my side.

It’s been more than 2 years of waking up next to him.

And every day my arms cling on as hard as they used to 2 years ago, and on some days, it latches on so hard it has to be pried off or risk being late to work.

I love you baby.

I don’t know why.

But all I know is after all this while, I think I’ve fallen more in love with you now.

I don’t know how I will feel another 10 years down the road. But quite frankly it really doesn’t really matter because all that matters now is the fact I love you now; NOW, in this present day and time.

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