Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Archive for the 'emo' Category

21 August 2014

There are days in a year that you feel at your lowest. A sinking feeling that eats at your emotions and causes your life to feel completely worthless. Nothing seems to cheer you up and you can’t identify the causes of your pain. You can pick up bits and pieces but it’s hard to tell if it’s really the combination of each unrelenting fragment or a much bigger reason – you just don’t know yet.

Today is one of those days. At least i think it’s one of those days. The past couple of weeks has been riddled with confusion of extreme highs and lows and today I’m at its peak. A bleak nothingness that exist. There isn’t the heat of anger nor the tears of sadness. It is just empty emotions with no purpose or reason.

There isn’t a desire to do something or to see anyone. You flinch at the touch of every living thing; a loved one, a prized cat and even a favourite dog. What you do know is this. You aren’t happy and your heart won’t stay still. It beats in an irregular fashion, mimicking the comings of an anxiety attack or perhaps something worst. Yet it beats in a hauntingly slow manner, a throbbing that does not pound yet hits at you with such an intensity, it feels like nausea is on its way.

There is a foreboding feeling in the air. You shiver even in the warmth of a summer’s breeze and you dread the daily workings of the coming days. Appointments and responsibilities; you want nothing to do with them and yet you go on, you carry on with your day lying to the world that everything is fine and not the slightest thing is out of place.

Nobody knows. Nobody understands.

But why would they?

To those that live a healthy happy life, such displays of grief is merely a cry for unwarranted attention and a disgusting weakness that should not exist.

To those that feel the same, the fact is this. It is never the same.

Each individual feels just that little bit of difference and in the end it is a pain felt only as one single individual.

 

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,wordy and have No Comments

Of Lost Friendships and Lingering Memories

(1.15am edit: On  a whim, I suddenly felt like rereading this post and discovered that I’ve written some parts wrongly – eg. wrong word, strange grammar, etc. and so have decided to edit it. If you reread it too, that’s why it seems a little bit different. If you’re reading it for the first time, I’m sorry if my writing seems a bit off, I’m a little out of practice lately)

It’s been a long time since I was last in this space. Months forgotten, almost like that of the title of this post. But this blog will always be a part of me, and in its depths the memories that sometimes often continue to haunt me.

Like today.

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The familiar beatings of an uneasy heart, a pain that takes over your entire soul. A pain that I am all too familiar with, only today, it is directed at someone else. Not just one, but a number of people that I had once entrusted my entire being in, believing that these are the people that would always be here – never for no worthy reason, ever leaving my side. It’s almost like a delusional description of ownership but that really isn’t the case at all. It is a trust and bond so deep, it exceeds the fleeting moments of casual friendships and momentary happiness.

A bond between two people that is not of lovers, yet intertwined in such a way that it is often close, if not deceptively misleading. Yet what I often fail to realize is how my dependency on them was sometimes completely neurotic and one sided, a lie of sorts that this feeling was built on a solid mutual bond.

In these friendships, I often gave my all, though appearing to be holding a stance of cold frigidness that people often could not break through. There are no signs of my dependency, one could almost never tell. It was just the way that I was built; reserved and uninviting. But I knew my weakness, and what these friendships really meant to me, even if no one else could really see it.

These were the kind of friendships I felt as if I were almost in a romantic relationship with. Silent conversations, and yet the comfort a presence could bring. Those random bursts of colourful conversations, and the belief that judgement was not something reserved but freely released.

As time passed on, so did these people. They came in and then out of my life in unexpected ways, often with words like “people change” or “people drift apart” and then I am left standing alone on the sidewalk, silently weeping and clinging on like a lost child left helplessly crying in a busy marketplace. Some of these people disappear without a trace, they leave silently without even once looking back and each time they do, like an ex lover, they take away a piece of my heart, a little fragment that I had so foolishly given them. Some however, continue to linger on. They appear once in a blue moon and occasionally drift by, as if I were easily replaceable and merely a childish pastime. But just like before, my heart is not spared, instead, it often scars deeper.

Do not be mistaken.

There is no feelings of regret. There is no ill wishing.

But what there is left in its stead, is always a gaping hole that never seems to heal itself. It isn’t the pain of lost love, but sometimes I think my heart confuses it with such and so it comes treacherously close. The scar of a forgotten friendship; a painful emptiness filled with memories and once a trust so deep, it just never learns to fully let go.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,wordy and have No Comments

New Years 2014

You would think that on the first day of the new year that marks the beginning of the 5th year, I would have learnt something by now. Or at least learnt to stop being happy over things that i had falsely anticipated and believed would come. And learnt to make my own happiness instead of placing it on the actions and behaviors of another.

Over 4 years peppered with constant vessels of false hope and empty promises, my day began rocky… improved and got great……..only to end in a pitfall of numb accusations and the same broken heart…except less pain and more tired annoyance.

Too many close calls on my account.

My silence have learnt to finally fuel themselves into the anger and hate that I had previously been unable to harbour.

I wonder what’s going to happen then.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,upset and have No Comments

3 August 2013. Thoughts of 1.49am.

It’s easy to lie.

Its easy to lie to someone else and pretend that everything is fine.

Until you realise that you’ve lied so much, you’ve become the lie.

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I’ve been staring at this space on the wall, and then at my phone and then back at the wall. I’ve been doing this for over an hour and a half now and each time i stare at the digits on my phone, i hurt a little bit more.

The numbers move slowly, so slowly in fact that it feels almost like it isn’t moving at all.

And then suddenly an hour passes and the pain you’ve felt earlier has swelled up so much that you’re almost gagging; unable to breath or speak, or even close your eyes and hope to fall asleep.

I’ve lost a lot of things on the path to what I believed was what I wanted.

But they never made themselves known, at least not until i lapsed into these momentary cries of a crazed enemy.

And then i can only laugh and blame myself for what I have become and what I will continue to become.

Because really, what did I even know before?

Did i know what I want?

Did i forsee what would have happened or did I just play pretend.

In the end.

I lie here in my despair, alone and shivering.

And I blame no one, but laugh at the cruelty of my own joke and my belief of my own self worth.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,nightmares,personal,sad,stupidity,tragedies,upset,wordy and have No Comments

Last Night…

I never really understood the feelings I had or the reasons for my decisions. They guided me well enough over the years and I was never made to really think them through.

Last night a long hearted chat with an old friend touched on a subject that I have kept hidden from many. Not because I was secretive; no, it was because I never really once thought about it. And yet last night it all came out, glaringly painful and so obvious all of a sudden. And it kept coming out in waves. This hidden pain that over the past 2 to 3 years I have learnt to shut out unconsciously. It spilled out effortlessly, as if I knew what it was all these while yet kept silent in denial. My feelings and fears were finally revealed until our conversation became quiet in mutual understanding, and a sad nod indicated that I wanted to just go home and cry.

She saw right through me. She saw because she understood. Something i often wished you could.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad and have No Comments