Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Over the Rails

For what seemed like the longest time, I found myself cripplingly afraid of heights. It made my knees weak, and my heart palpitate so hard, I sometimes found it hard to breathe.

Yet, for the past year or two, as I looked down from high places protected behind a solid and high enough barrier, I felt myself stare downwards, often tempted to just hoist myself over and let myself free fall down. The clearer the ground, and the harder the surface, the more I felt myself compelled to shut everyone out and just tip myself over and find out just what would happen if I really did climb over, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and just jump down.

The more this notion struct me, the more intrigued I’ve become.

I wonder if I’m depressed. But everyone else around me thinks that’s just silly; for what reason could I possibly feel depressed? The truth is, I don’t even know myself.

Maybe I’m just bored or maybe I’m suddenly an adrenaline junky, but things like rollercoasters and even a standard yoga handstand makes me sick to my stomach the moment I feel myself turned around.

But every time this happens, I can feel it call out. Each time stronger, and more tempting, I can’t help but wonder if one day I’ll be one of those mangled bodies laying there on the ground.

And then I wonder after,

Would you have cared more, if you had known what would have happened, each time I walked towards those rails.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,musings,personal,wordy and have No Comments

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