Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Of Lost Friendships and Lingering Memories

(1.15am edit: On  a whim, I suddenly felt like rereading this post and discovered that I’ve written some parts wrongly – eg. wrong word, strange grammar, etc. and so have decided to edit it. If you reread it too, that’s why it seems a little bit different. If you’re reading it for the first time, I’m sorry if my writing seems a bit off, I’m a little out of practice lately)

It’s been a long time since I was last in this space. Months forgotten, almost like that of the title of this post. But this blog will always be a part of me, and in its depths the memories that sometimes often continue to haunt me.

Like today.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The familiar beatings of an uneasy heart, a pain that takes over your entire soul. A pain that I am all too familiar with, only today, it is directed at someone else. Not just one, but a number of people that I had once entrusted my entire being in, believing that these are the people that would always be here – never for no worthy reason, ever leaving my side. It’s almost like a delusional description of ownership but that really isn’t the case at all. It is a trust and bond so deep, it exceeds the fleeting moments of casual friendships and momentary happiness.

A bond between two people that is not of lovers, yet intertwined in such a way that it is often close, if not deceptively misleading. Yet what I often fail to realize is how my dependency on them was sometimes completely neurotic and one sided, a lie of sorts that this feeling was built on a solid mutual bond.

In these friendships, I often gave my all, though appearing to be holding a stance of cold frigidness that people often could not break through. There are no signs of my dependency, one could almost never tell. It was just the way that I was built; reserved and uninviting. But I knew my weakness, and what these friendships really meant to me, even if no one else could really see it.

These were the kind of friendships I felt as if I were almost in a romantic relationship with. Silent conversations, and yet the comfort a presence could bring. Those random bursts of colourful conversations, and the belief that judgement was not something reserved but freely released.

As time passed on, so did these people. They came in and then out of my life in unexpected ways, often with words like “people change” or “people drift apart” and then I am left standing alone on the sidewalk, silently weeping and clinging on like a lost child left helplessly crying in a busy marketplace. Some of these people disappear without a trace, they leave silently without even once looking back and each time they do, like an ex lover, they take away a piece of my heart, a little fragment that I had so foolishly given them. Some however, continue to linger on. They appear once in a blue moon and occasionally drift by, as if I were easily replaceable and merely a childish pastime. But just like before, my heart is not spared, instead, it often scars deeper.

Do not be mistaken.

There is no feelings of regret. There is no ill wishing.

But what there is left in its stead, is always a gaping hole that never seems to heal itself. It isn’t the pain of lost love, but sometimes I think my heart confuses it with such and so it comes treacherously close. The scar of a forgotten friendship; a painful emptiness filled with memories and once a trust so deep, it just never learns to fully let go.

posted by BabyGin in confessions,emo,personal,sad,wordy and have No Comments

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